this month I loved // January 2017

So January is over. This month has included a lot of change for me. I left my job, moved out, and started college. Here are a few of the things I loved. 

- Moana and its soundtrack. This movie is GORGEOUS, you guys. AND THE MUSIC. I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO IT ALMOST EVERY DAY SINCE I SAW IT. I LOVE IT.

- School! I moved and started school at Utah State this month. In case you've never talked to me before (because that's like the only way to not be aware of this), I love school. A lot. I'm thrilled to be writing papers and reading textbooks and studying for tests again. Even when textbooks are the worst.

- My bookshelf! I had a really hard time deciding which books to bring with me to college, but I think I'm mostly satisfied with my choices. I STILL HAVEN'T DECIDED HOW TO ORDER THE BOOKS THOUGH. This order is definitely gonna change because it separates books that are in the same series and that's incredibly obnoxious.
Anyway, here are a couple of pictures.
(Also, if anyone has an extra copy of the fourth book in A Series of Unfortunate Events, it's currently the only book in the series I don't own. I don't mind if the copy is really beat up, so if you find one lying on the sidewalk, lemme know.)

the currently reading stack

- My Intro to Mass Communication class! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS CLASS, YOU GUYS. We've studied the history of mass media this month and the different theories of the press we've moved through as a society. The most exciting of these are liberalism and social responsibility theory. Liberalism is a press theory that assumes people are inherently rational, that if all the information is out there, eventually the people will come to the correct conclusion and rid themselves of any false ideas. This is the theory the United States was founded on.
The dominant theory today is social responsibility theory, which acknowledges that people can be intellectually lazy and sometimes we'll believe something just because it fits our worldview. Social responsibility theory holds that the media are obligated to provide society with accurate information in context. Their primary purpose is to raise conflict to the plane of discussion, which is SO INTERESTING.
I also audited my mass media use for one week for this class, and that was very eye-opening. Seriously seriously seriously, you should try it. I guarantee you'll learn something. I like to think of myself as a very open-minded, anti-echo chamber person, but I primarily expose myself to people who think similarly to me. I also realized I'm getting most of my information about current events from social media, which is problematic, especially in the days of fake news and alternative facts. It was a really valuable exercise, and I intend to do it again in the future.

- Night by Elie Wiesel. I read this on International Holocaust Remembrance Day. I don't know that I can say I loved this book, because it's horrifying, but it's very important and well-written. Elie was a teenager during the Holocaust and the book details his experiences in concentration camps with his father. He eventually won the Nobel Peace Prize.
I wanted to include several quotes from the book, but I think it's better if you just read it. It's worth your time.

- This sunset was gorgeous.

- I'm reading John right now in the New Testament, and you guys. It's so clear how much Jesus cares about each of us. His entire ministry affirms our individual importance. He tells us we are worth his time. I know people joke about the scripture, "Jesus wept," all the time, but in context I find it very powerful. As he approaches the city where he will raise Lazarus from the dead, he calls Mary, Lazarus' sister, out to meet him. She comes to Jesus weeping. Her brother is dead. And Jesus doesn't dismiss her pain, he doesn't tell her to be happy -- he just cries with her. A few verses later he will raise her brother from the dead, but in the moment he simply shares in her pain. I think he does this with each of us.

- Trees. I took this picture when I went on a walk around campus at night after I'd been staring at my computer for too long. I highly recommend getting out of your room and breathing the cold night air on a regular basis. (And yes, I listened to the Moana soundtrack.)

This one is from walking home after class. I got some weird looks for stopping to take it, but man, those trees.

- The snow. There's a TON of it up here, and sometimes it looks gross, but overall I'm a fan because it insulates us and as long as we keep getting fresh layers, it looks really gorgeous.

- A couple of weeks ago I went to the L.I.F.E. (Love is For Everyone) meeting, which is basically the campus lgbtqiap group. I was really nervous to go. Like, really nervous. But it was wonderful, and I'm excited to go back sometime.

- GEORGIA PEACHES AND OTHER FORBIDDEN FRUIT. OH MY GOODNESS YOU GUYS I LOVE THIS BOOK. It's about queer girls and integrity and faith and it's happy. At its core, this book is happy. I love it. Especially the ending!
(For the record, the treatment of a character with a disability was problematic and I have since heard the POC representation was unsatisfactory.)

- Writing! I've started slowly working on my untitled queer girl friends turned lovers turned semi-reluctant rivals fantasy novel again, and I love it so much. I love the richness of the story and the characters. The plot is still entirely up in the air and there's no clear end in sight, but I love this book. I'm planning to write twice a week this semester and hopefully finish the book somewhere in April or May.

- The last few lines of Of Fire and Stars (low quality image, but oh well). Most of this book was sadly mediocre, but I do love that last line.

- I also started learning to paint with watercolors this month! I have a really great book that emphasizes just having fun with it. I'm really, really enjoying that so far.

- I learned to play Risk this month and yes. I'm a fan. I've played it twice, so I'm an expert and I dare you to defeat me.

- Friends! I just want to give a shoutout to my friends Aimee, Sky, Rachel, and Emily. They've really been there for me this month, and I love them a lot. Thanks, guys.

So there we go. January has been a weird, hard month. I'm still trying to adjust to moving, and my emotions have been pretty tumultuous lately. But there was a lot of good in this month too, and I'm looking forward to more.

For When the World Makes You Tired

I've been exhausted a lot lately. Sometimes it's all day, sometimes it's just that particular time of night or morning that makes you feel listless and tired. We all find ourselves feeling overwhelmed and worn out at some point. Here are some things you can do to rest or recharge, especially when you

1. Take a nap.
2. Spend a couple of hours reading. Don't look at your phone. Just curl up and read until you finish a book or until it's two in the morning. Whatever it takes to refresh yourself.
3. Look at art. I'm not exactly the greatest at finding new artists, so I usually use Pinterest for this one. (Here's my art board, in case you desperately want to see a compilation of art I think is beautiful and insightful.)
4. Exist in the same space as other people. Don't stay isolated. This can look like going to an event, even if it's by yourself, or writing that blog post in the library instead of at home, or sitting in the living room, or even just leaving the door of your bedroom open so you aren't completely closed off. (I do that one a lot.)
5. Listen to some favorite music. This doesn't always work for me, because often music makes me really emotional and that just exhausts me more. But sometimes it's the perfect thing. A few suggestions, depending on how you're feeling: Coldplay, Switchfoot, the Moana soundtrack, Paramore, "Breathe" from In The Heights
6. Take a shower with the lights dimmed. For some reason when I'm feeling really worn out and used up, I breathe easier when everything isn't so bright. And showers are relaxing.
7. Hug something. Cry into your pillow. Maybe fall asleep doing it. Pray. Pray less in a formal, distant way and more in a raw, "God, this is my pain and I am angry and I am worn out and I'm not sure all this is worth it," kind of way.
8. Read the book of scripture that works for you. I really like reading accounts of Jesus healing people, especially when I'm overwhelmed. I have a friend who loves the Psalms. Find out what's best for you.
9. Play with kids, if they're around. There's something really refreshing and calming about just being around kids. I did this one a lot when I lived at home.
10. Say the names of the people who care about you out loud.

It's easy to feel exhausted and overwhelmed, especially right now. Just remember that this won't last forever. You'll be all right. We'll be all right.

EVERYDAY HAPPINESS

An acquaintance of mine recently posted the following query on Facebook: "What are some normal, everyday things that really epitomize happiness/love to you?"

I started thinking about this and commenting some of my things, and man, I just couldn't stop. I love this question so much. Here are a few of the everyday things that I feel denote happiness.

- hot fries
- leaning up against someone while we're covered in blankets having watched several hours of movies/tv
- buying food for someone else
- "human" by the killers
- singing with my sister
- phone calls that are over an hour long
- the prospekt's march edition of Coldplay's "viva la vida" album
- listening to music with windows down while sitting in the passenger seat of a car
- sending compliments to a friend
- CAMPING
- long car rides
- that moment when you're planning a paper and SUDDENLY ALL YOUR IDEAS COME TOGETHER AND YOU COULD WRITE FORTY PAGES ON IT I LOVE THAT MOMENT
- autumn leaves/the sky/trees/mountains/clouds/being outside/going on walks when it's just barely chilly
- card games
- snuggling/falling asleep with little brothers

- late night talks when the car is parked in front of the house

- reading a book in one sitting
- waking up to fresh snow
- sleepy laughter
- underlining sentences while reading/notes in the margins
- libraries
- opening a new bag of chips
- Christmas lights
- the resonant sound of beautiful music from a string instrument

What does happiness look like to you?

this month I loved // november 2016

November was a strange month. I have a lot of mixed feelings about how it went down. But here are some very beautiful things that were a part of it.

- I'm really loving Humans of New York right now?? It shows such a variety of different people and opinions. I love the exposure it provides to different perspectives, the reminder to be compassionate. It's not about sharing a political viewpoint that Brandon agrees with -- it's about people and their stories. we're all human. BASICALLY I JUST REALLY LOVE IT RIGHT NOW.

- this article. I just love it so much. sometimes I get angry at myself for being queer, buying into the idea that I'm making the world a worse place. This article gives me hope, and reminds me that I am not cut off from becoming more like Christ. It describes beautiful, beautiful love. Just read it.

- I MADE PECAN PIE. I HAVE NEVER MADE PIE BEFORE. IT WAS DELICIOUS. I AM SO PROUD OF IT.

- this TED talk. I love it so much. I love the focus on queer kids, what we learn about this woman's work. It's something I want to do someday. I love the nuance she acknowledges in that intersection of queerness and religion. I identify so much with the experiences she shares. Religion feels more like home when you watch a queer woman talk about her identity and her faith. It helps me find God.

- That TED talk also helped bring me to the realization that there is literally nothing stopping me from studying Greek and Hebrew and reading the Bible in its original languages, becoming a Biblican scholar and theologian. And honestly, that realization probably changed my life. In the church I was raised in, it's incredibly uncommon to engage with scripture on the level I want -- especially if you're a woman or assigned female at birth. It never even occurred to me that that was a possibility. This month I realized that I can engage with scripture. I can be a full participant in Christ's church. And I'm willing to bet that realization will change my life.

- this TED talk. It's one I've watched or listened to many, many times. But every time I remember it exists, I have to spend some time with it again. This month I listened to it on a night last week as I fell asleep after a very difficult day. It made me cry, not for the first time. I mean, when Jon stARTS SINGING TERMINAL? It breaks and mends my heart every time. I just love this talk a lot.

- the first real snowfall this month happened on a day I was working. it was wonderful to keep walking by the doors up front and see how beautiful and drifting and blizzardy it was. it was lovely.

- Maggie Stiefvater shared a beautiful transcript of her keynote at a conference, and wow. you need to read it immediately. These are ideas that are so, so important to me. They really shape how I live my life and the person I'm trying to become, and I kind of think everyone should read this.

- The secondary characters in my NaNoWriMo novel really shone this month. They were leaping off the page almost immediately, which was nice because I started November 1st with a grand total of two unnamed characters. Let me quickly introduce the secondary characters who showed up.
Rivva is my strategic commander of the first division of troops to reach the plains where the war takes place. She's hard, inflexible, with incredibly high standards, but she also takes time to interact with every soldier she can individually. She's a fantastic leader and I love her.
Gyen is her second in command. She's going through some major changes right now, but she starts out seeming very shifty, aloof, and self-important. And she is, but she's also committed and open to new ideas and she isn't satisfied with just accepting what she sees on the surface, if that makes sense. I'm really pleased with how she's turning out.
I've also got Gertel. She's young, maybe fourteen, quiet and solemn. Not someone you find easy to connect with. But she's got this wry sense of humor that takes you by surprise, and you'll find she's warm and passionate, once you get to know her.

- I've also been s l o w l y reading The Two Towers this month, a few paragraphs or pages at a time. This bit at the battle of Helm's Deep resonated with me unexpectedly. Everything is grim, and the Orcs are easily destroying them, but for a moment during the battle Aragorn pauses to look out into the sky and take courage and resolve from the coming dawn.

- "Everything I Know" from In The Heights. Mandy Gonzalez has a gorgeous voice, and I love everything about this song. But don't listen to it unless you've listened to the songs preceding it! There are too many spoilers, and you won't appreciate it as much without the background.

- A dear friend of mine and I spent a few hours writing together early in the month while she was down from college for the weekend. It was wonderful. There's just an energy and a focus in writing near someone else that I don't get when writing alone. It helps that Mari is incredible. 

- I finally watched season 3 of Carmilla this month. WOW. I loved the ideas they explored, the mood of the season, Carmilla's character development, the shipping, everything about LaFontaine. All in all, definitely the best season. 

- the Little Women soundtrack by Thomas Newman is gorgeous and I can't stop listening to it. 

- I finally started reading Man's Search for Meaning this month. I've been meaning to read it since forever, and it's been so good. The idea of meaning driving you forward is a conclusion I came to after struggling with depression for months, and Viktor Frankl articulates these thoughts so perfectly. A few highlights: 

He describes how he and his fellow prisoners in concentration camps grew to glorify the mundane experiences of their old lives. Frankl says, "In my mind I took bus rides, unlocked the front door of my apartment, answered my telephone, switched on the electric lights. Our thoughts often centered on such details, and these memories could move one to tears."

It's so hard to choose a few lines from passages that are life-changing, but this sentence sums up some of the major ideas very well: "Everywhere man is confronted with fate, with the chance of achieving something through his own suffering."

Frankl rejects the idea of "the meaning of life" as something general, vague, a single idea that encompasses everyone. Instead, he says that it "differ[s] from man to man, and from moment to moment." Everything he says about this resonates with me so deeply. We create, find, shape our own meaning for our lives. 

Another quote, this one about how our lives are not defined only by their potential for meaning in the future. Frankl says, "Not only our experiences, but all we have done, whatever great thoughts we may have had, and all we have suffered, all this is not lost, though it is past; we have brought it into being. Having been is also a kind of being, and perhaps the surest kind."

Basically, I love this book. You should read it. 

- Finally, I discovered some art by Douglas Blanchard this month that depicts Jesus Christ as a contemporary gay man during the final days of his ministry. I'm not sure there are words to describe how important this is. It's incredibly powerful. I found myself tearing up at this painting. Give the rest of them a look. (Warning, though, that a couple of the paintings contain some violence. Be prepared for that.)

"Jesus Before the People" by Douglas Blanchard

it begins now

it's so easy to get caught up in pettiness. especially since i'm not in school right now, i easily spend entire days browsing social media and berating myself for doing nothing of value. and even when i begin to step up and envision or plan for something that matters, it often turns into the overwhelming feeling that i will never accomplish anything significant.

today i chatted with a friend about my plans for nanowrimo. i got excited about several different projects i wanted to write, and, like the intellectual giants that we are, we discussed them in all caps. eventually i came to something of a conclusion about which book i wanted to write and the necessary preparation.

with almost a month until nano (and no plot), i faced the option of either working on the middle-grade novella that i told myself i would write in october (.........because that's going really well, and by really well i mean it isn't going at all), or exploring my ideas for the potential nanowrimo book. so of course i ended up shaking, overwhelmed by the urgency of writing something worthwhile, something significant, something that wouldn't easily fade into obscurity, unnoticed and immaterial. even now, it terrifies me: this feeling that i have to hurry, i have to write something learn something teach something say something do something there is no time, the world is here and waiting for me to matter and as yet i have done nothing important.

well, aside from the fact that i have done important things, i cannot do everything right now. i cannot hold out my hand and magically produce a well-written, nuanced, meaningful novel in the space of three seconds. i cannot learn to paint and create a masterpiece to dwell in a home or museum, shaping people's moments, by the time i sleep tonight. i cannot grow a tall, vibrant tree before my siblings get home from school.

because trees & the sky, man

but i can plant the seed.

i can write a sentence, a paragraph, a page, however inconsequential those words are now. i can go inside and search the house until i find a twisted plastic paintbrush and something to be my color. i can take a deep breath. i can step outside and see mountains and flowers and trees and clouds in the sky and grass and warm-colored leaves. i can put my fingers to the keyboard and try to capture my fears on this page, despite the terrifying feeling that what i have to say can never be pinned down into words others can understand.

someday i will be able to speak what i feel clearly and find words that will hold my thoughts. i dream of changing people's worlds, of speaking and writing exactly what someone needs to hear. i want to stand before large crowds and offer words alive with significance. someday i may open a nonprofit for religious and/or mentally ill lgbtqiap youth, or teach college students the joys of literature. i want to hear hundreds of people's stories. i want to bring light to tired eyes. it hurts that i cannot accomplish these things today.

but the only way to accomplish them is by beginning. now. in this moment, where the air is cold and snow has dusted the tops of the mountains and scattered dandelions disperse their seeds and i sit on my porch, cross-legged. it is true -- meaning and significance and changing the world are not things that can wait. but these trees take years to grow, and they start now, in the smallest of moments.